Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts with the label Comedy.

The Chronicles of Papi: Back in Lagos

Papi- Back in Lagos My mission to the village did not go as planned. The original plan was to storm the village and impress those villagers, but the reverse was the case, I was oppressed out of the village by my parents and cousins, but I did not allow that depress me, rather I was determined to just go back to Lagos and brood (Were you expecting some motivational desire to inspire so you can acquire what you require before you retire without getting tired crap?) The trip to the village was awesome and comfortable, even though my heart was in my mouth throughout the flight, but you see the trip back to Lagos- My God! I suffered, I mean I saw terrible things on the bus I boarded. It all started when a woman with 5 children got on the bus and paid for only the space she was occupying, and without asking whether I was okay with the arrangement, she asked me to carry two of the children, two squeezed themselves between us, while she carried the last child. It was one ordeal to d

Chronicles of Papi - Papi in the Village

I got to the village feeling like I just got back from “the abroad”, I mean I even called my Dad to ask if he could send someone to come pick me up from the airport (so he’ll know I came by flight, if you dare laugh, I’ll deal with you), he said there was no one, I could have come out of the airport and used public transport, but no, I wanted them to know I had arrived, so I used the airport’s car hire service, and the cost was enough to take me back to Lagos by bus, but I was not bothered, I had to hit our house in grand style (una know as e dey go when onwa December don reach na). The moment we left the airport, I had to ask to be certain I was in the right place, ‘cause everything had changed, the roads tarred, beautiful cars and buildings everywhere, it was a sharp contrast with what I left, then the road was red earth, there were no beautiful buildings, just trees, we had electric poles without wires, now there was power- real development. We got to my Father’s house a

Village Vacation (Papi's First Flight)

Everyone is so eager to know how my first flight went, seeing as I goofed to a girl I was toasting that I needed a visa to go to owerri (see ehnnnn, if you just do pimmm, I'll appear there and give you a knock), you need to see how I was counting down to the date I was supposed to leave, to others i was just flying within Nigeria, but to me, man I was flying round the world, in short the feeling was just inexplicable. The night before the day I was to leave was a memorable one, Ekaette invited me to her room to see a movie, one hell of a horror movie? i don't know, all I remember was that barely two minutes into the movie, we got distracted & concentrated on each other instead (please don't ask what we did) It was one sweet marathon- okay that's already too much information. I was up before everyone and prepared to embark on my journey, you need to see how I dressed up, honestly you would think I was headed for the moon.       "Papi, are you okay?"

Regales Of A Lagos Bobo: Episode 4- Lesson Teacher

Regales Of A Lagos Bobo: Episode 4- Lesson Teacher  By @Peero007 If anyone ever tells you being a teacher is easy, just shake your head; hiss and walk away. Truth be told, I wasn't enjoying the teaching job one bit- and that was majorly because I felt I was overworking and getting underpaid. Many times I made up my mind to quit, on one occassion a parent slapped me-why? she thought it rude that I wrote in the child's note "Please monitor your child's assignments" and that was due the fact the child was always failing every one of the take-home assignments. I got so angry, people had to come in to prevent things from escalating and at that moment I didn't care if I lost the job or not. "Uncle, calm down, I know how you feel...You did no wrong" The corper said to me as she led me away from the scene. "Oh you have no idea how I feel...That woman insulted my whole being...why? just because I'm a teacher? I'm here suffering, paid ru

Regales Of A Lagos Bobo: Episode 3 - Teacher Papi & The Army

Never try to live above your means or life would expose you for the fraud that you are. Only two people knew I was resuming work as a teacher, but if you saw the way I was dressed you would think I was one big accountant at some big firm earning big money, in fact people either called me "accountant" or "the accountant", that was the dream anyway and a good way to practice "faith". My first day as a teacher is one event I would never forget even in the next life. There was a staff meeting prior to resumption of official duties and the headmistress introduced me to the other teachers as a new teacher, I noticed something about most of the teachers- they spoke like the headmistress, in that their tenses and sentence structures had serious issues and that had me wondering how such a big school got these type of staff, anyway that wasn't my business, mine was to get paid at the end of 30 days.  "Uncle, Aunty corper have not come, so do assembly

Regales Of A Lagos Bobo: Episode 2 - Uncle Teacher .1

Most times we make plans for the future without room for contingencies because we are so sure things would go as planned, but life just stays somewhere staring at you with a smirk that spells mischief, and just when you think you have it all figured out- Bang! Life does you in. When I went for the teaching vacancy interview, I knew I would have serious problems when the headmistress said "I have see your applicashun letter, but you do no have teashing hexperience..." I swallowed hard, not because the experience issue was mentioned but the fact that a school headmistress was talking like she was a cross between Frank Donga & Falz, I mean a whole school headmistress? Anyway that wasn't why I was there. To impress her, I spoke articulately, and she kept on nodding her head in approval even though I was certain she didn't understand a lot of the things I said, suddenly she stood up and asked me to follow her, I was beaming with smiles as I followed her 'cause

Regales Of A Lagos Bobo (By @Peero007)

Picture Courtesy: 'Dewale Peter Hello, my name is Papi and these events may have occurred in a past life, this present life or the life to come and no! this isn't clairvoyance speaking but hunger. You may have an idea what it feels like to be hungry  at 4pm , wait till dinner  at 8pm  and while waiting, the minions in your belly are agitating because the aroma you perceive is proportional to their agitation in that; the pleasant the aroma, the more agitation in your belly, the more hunger you experience (mathematically &scientifically proven). It gets worse when you sleep off 'cause you'll wake up feeling like the minions revolted and destroyed your stomach walls. Yeah! That's the feeling and for me, naturally, hunger always has a way of opening a valve in my brain from whence cometh strange philosophy & questions that could question one's sanity like right now I'm extremely hungry and asking myself "what if the feeling of deja vu we ex

Christmas Skit.

Daily Conversions Christmas day celebration is a very big thing in my family, so big that my siblings anywhere in the world will never miss it, they always fly back home, it’s something I always look forward to ‘cause it’s all shades of mad fun with plenty of good food. On the morning of Christmas eve, one lady I had been tracking for five years (Do you want to laugh? Do you know how many years it took Jacob before he got his heartthrob?) just called me.      “Hi Papi”      “Hello Dear, this one that you called me after all these years, am I safe?” I asked      “Boo, I want to make it up to you” She replied. Did she say that or was my mind playing tricks on my ears.      “Network issues, sorry I didn’t get you, what did you say?” I just needed to be sure I heard correctly the first time.      “I said I called because I want to make it up to you dear” She answered. Wow, she called me “boo” & “dear” within twenty seconds, this Christmas was making sense.      “hmmm… so

Sallah Skit

I had a main chic and many side chics, yes "many side chics", wait! don't judge me just yet except you've never stolen meat from your Mother's pot before. Ladies always kept on coming even though they knew I had a girlfriend (call me a baller, call me a player, if two can play the game, then we're gonn' do multiplayer). Anyway as I was narrating, among the "many side chics" were my beloved muslimahs- Yetunde (Aminat), Bisi (Zainab) & Lara (Karimat). The three of them had promised me the best sallah treatment ever, whatever "best sallah treatment" meant I was so eager to find out. This was the plan, sallah was on thursday, my main girlfriend said she was sleeping over on tuesday, then I would sleep over at hers on wednesday, by first light on thursday I would be back at my crib, preparing for the groove on thursday & friday, thursday afternoon would be for Bisi, we would go to her family house together, pack as much meat as possi

Village Vacation. (The Preparation)

I missed my folks in the village, Tolu said I could go away for a week, and a week was just perfect. I set to planning my trip, first I needed to buy stuff, basically, gifts for my folks. I had been to balogun market twice with Tolu and Ada, this time I decided I was going alone.       "Papi you well so? Only you wan go balogun?" Ekaette asked.       "Yes na" I replied       "Papi, I'll take you there myself" Tolu added.       "Nooo, I can find my way, nothing will happen" I said.       "You're on your own ooo" Tolu said       "Trust me" I added with a wink.       "Wait, let me snap you" Tolu. I didnt know why she wanted to snap me, but I posed. I got to the market alright, I kept moving from stall to stall, looking for the best bargain, just the way the ladies did. I bought a set of boxes, the seller said it was 40K because it was "gucci", I beat the price to 25k, he agreed. I felt l

Ladies Of Lagos pt1.

Picture Courtesy:  Freepik A quick recap of what happened yesterday night, Tolu and Ada dragged me to a club party, it was actually a birthday party of their friend, those parties where you buy your own drinks and end up spending much more than the celebrant. One thing about this party was there were more ladies than guys, that was the only side attraction I enjoyed, I also noticed how the "big boys" were oppressing each other with expensive drinks, caskets of drinks kept moving, champagne with pyrotechnics were on almost every table including ours, I wasn't bothered about how we got drinks, I was more concerned about my toothache and it felt like every nerve was connected to the tooth, touch my back and I would feel the pain in my tooth.       "Papi, Oya take and drink, it'll ease the pain" Tolu said, as she mixed Jack Daniel's with Coke, I took a sip, it tasted so good. That was how I forgot about the toothache and took a swig, my-oh-my!!! The wa

Petrol Wahala (Relativity Of Madness Pt. 2)

Fellow Nigerians, it is with a heavy heart and a mind conscious of the fact that my battery is at 20% that I write this, a sequel to the post tagged "Relativity Of Madness", in that post, I cited various instances to make it empirically evident that madness is relative, in this sequel, we'll look at the relationship between petrol, scarcity, government, humans & madness. We live in a country where no one wants to be faulted or blamed for any shortcomings, take for instance, you get to the fuelling/filling/petrol/gas station then ask the attendant why petrol has to be sold for the exorbitant amount it is being sold, he/she just says "na manager go fit answer you",  you ask the manager, that one will tell you it's the oil marketers, those ones will blame it on the supposed "stringent" policies of the petroleum & finance ministers "MAD ION" (Decipher what "MAD ION" is and get a gift), at the end of the day, the whole b