Village Vacation (Papi's First Flight)

Everyone is so eager to know how my first flight went, seeing as I goofed to a girl I was toasting that I needed a visa to go to owerri (see ehnnnn, if you just do pimmm, I'll appear there and give you a knock), you need to see how I was counting down to the date I was supposed to leave, to others i was just flying within Nigeria, but to me, man I was flying round the world, in short the feeling was just inexplicable.
The night before the day I was to leave was a memorable one, Ekaette invited me to her room to see a movie, one hell of a horror movie? i don't know, all I remember was that barely two minutes into the movie, we got distracted & concentrated on each other instead (please don't ask what we did) It was one sweet marathon- okay that's already too much information. I was up before everyone and prepared to embark on my journey, you need to see how I dressed up, honestly you would think I was headed for the moon.
      "Papi, are you okay?" Tolu asked.
      "yes, why?" I responded
      "this one wey you dress like eskimo" Adaeze added
      "Cold dey catch me" I lied
      "heyyyy Papi, fear God na, which foolish cold made you dress like one gangster going to the moon?" Tolu said
      "Papilo, Papistus, you want to knock them out in the village, I understand you my love" Ada said. finally someone understood me, wait!!! no-no I wasn't dressed like that just to impress the villagers, the motive was way more than that.
      "Papi, no go give village girls belle oo" Ekaette added
      "Oga do quick, let me be nice and drop you off at the airport, or you'll just miss your flight" Tolu said. I went to my room to get my luggage.
      "So you'll just leave without a proper goodbye", I turned round to find Adaeze at the door.
      "Ermmm, i was..." i muttered, she moved closer
      "Come on Papi, come give Mama some sugar" Adaeze said. Truth be told she was one good enchantress, permit me to say she was a "femme fatale" perhaps without the dangerous part (I don't know though), she was dressed in a see-through short white night gown, I could see her lovely shape, fresh & spotless thighs, the firmness of her full br- wait!!! I shouldn't be giving out information like these here (See me in private, or drop a comment below and request details). Anyway like a magnet attracting a piece of metal, I felt that force of attraction and had no choice but move like a zombie to her, you have no idea what a heavenly hug feels like till you hug Adaeze, the warmth of the hug, the softness & coolness of her skin, the fragrance all made my body react in a manly type of way. Then she did the unthinkable, I think I should stop that right there, I don't know what your definition of ".did the unthinkable" is, but I'm very sure it's not what your pervy minds think.
On the way to the airport, my PMs and facebook posts were on fire "Enroute airport" "leaving naija in a few" "I know y'all gonna miss me *airplane smiley*" "Oh this lagos traffic will not make me miss my flight IJN" etc. The social media attention I got that day made me feel like I was some sort of celeb, even the ghosts on my BBM suddenly remembered I existed, then the comments I got on facebook were wonderful "safe journey ooo", "Godspeed", "where u dey travel go, u wan turn Malay gee boy or southy?" "Boo, awwwwnnnnn, u shulda told me, we wud hve planned it, I'm leavin tonyte", "plx deres somefin hve bn lukin 4, i hear is only in yankee, I wee jux message u abt d tin. fanks"etc till I started seeing "Oga no dey bobo us jare,show us pictures", " no mind am dis one sabi where airport dey?", "u people b nice, he's jst a rookie, if he's really travelling tho" (Pardon the short forms, that's the supposed swagful ignorance of a lot of Nigerians in the texting world). oh pictures, they sure were gonna be wowed because I was prepared for that. We got to the airport in time, Tolu just dropped me and my luggage then drove off.
Tolu made sure I had memorized every necessary step to ensure I didn't miss my flight and avoid embarrassments- (well about the embarrassments part, that was to some extent). Before I stepped into the departure lounge, I took selfies. I did all the necessary things as instructed by Tolu without hassles, boarding was in the next 20 minutes, there was time for more pictures.
While taking selfies, I noticed one big thing was missing, there were no whites anywhere, I began to wonder where all the white people, perhaps we didnt have whites in Nigeria or maybe they had special days to fly, could it be they used another airport? ( (If you as much as snigger or shake your head at my stup---naivety, I’ll go ham on you) Anyway, I took a couple of pictures. Finally it was time to board, I got onboard and just picked a choice seat by the window, I was busy looking around and taking selfies when one young lady decided to interrupt my selfie-time.
      “Ermmm, hello sir, you’re in my spot please” She said
      “Your spot?” I asked
      “yes please” She responded
      “But I got here before you and didn’t see/meet anything on the seat” I defended.
      “*sigh* Mister please check the seat number on your boarding pass” She answered, obviously beginning to feel irritated.
     “What?” I queried (You’re reading this and also getting irritated- That’s your business, I wasn’t about to give up that position, the lady wasn’t even fine sef -_-)
     “Look here” She said pointing at the seat number on her boarding pass and the corresponding seat which happened to be where I was seated. I looked at down at my boarding pass and knew instantly I was really not supposed to be there.
     “Sorry” I muttered as I shamefacedly made my way down the aisle in search of my allocated seat, like the other seat, this one too was beside the window, I sat and started the selfie taking/picture posting business. One particular picture I posted with the caption “yankee loading” got comments like “Wait, abeg shey no be Dana logo I dey see for that seat so?”, “When did Dana start doing international routes?”, “Weyrey dey go within naija, he wan cum bobo us say na yankee-olobe” e.t.c. One word for them, “haters”.
I remembered I had heard on several occasions, that a phone could cause a crash if it was on, I immediately took precaution by switching the phone off, taking the battery out and putting both of them far apart, yeah!, extra precautions to avoid stories that “burned”.  The seatbelt part was an ordeal, I just didn’t know how to fasten it and pride tied my tongue and prevented me from asking the lady beside me, so I resolved I was just going to hold it in place when necessary, then I told myself “Gangsters don’t use seatbelts” only for me to look across the aisle and find a real tattooed gangster all strapped in and feeling good, I started perspiring, where the sweat came from, I don’t know, I was looking for how to roll the window down for fresh air, then I asked the lady beside me- she just laughed and asked if that was supposed to be a pick up line. The lady beside me noticed I was uneasy, then asked if I was okay, my mind said “no”, but stupid pride made my head nod in affirmative. Obviously no one was buying the story that I was fine, she called the attention of a flight attendant, she helped with the belt. I saw the usefulness of the belt when the aircraft was taking off, fear didn’t allow me look out of the window.
      “First time?” The lady beside me asked me. The valve connecting mind to mouth was dysfunctional at that moment.
      “No” I said- lied- whatever!
      “Take a deep breath, everyone had a first time, we’ll be at our destination in no time, so relax” She said with a smile. I think I felt a little better when the aircraft got to cruise altitude, I looked out the window and all I could see was what looked like white fluff everywhere. I began to relax a little and I think that was due the fact that the lady beside me was a chatterbox; she kept on telling me about her different flight experiences, in fact I was so relaxed that for a moment I forgot myself, that was how the valve that connects the brain to mouth shut off, then I said aloud.
      “Won’t they park for us to eat and ease ourselves?” Boooom!!! I had said the unthinkable, the expression on the faces of the people around me made me wish I could just vanish, to make matters worse the chatterbox beside me was laughing and telling people “don’t mind him, he’s a first timer” I just looked out the window and acted like nothing happened, but honestly, I wished I could get me some gala & coke. The flight attendant finally came with something to eat, I collected, then asked
      “how much?” everyone burst into laughter, like it was some comedy show , I began to wonder if the people around me weren’t actually mad, all I did was ask the price of what I was given, so I could make payments- Isn’t that what normal people do?
      ”You don’t pay for this Sir, it’s our little way of thanking you for flying with us” The flight attendant said with a warm smile.
     “No mind them ooo, na part of the money wey you use buy ticket” An ibo man behind me said. The chatterbox beside me kept laughing till tears started rolling.
I was pressed and needed to empty my bladder, then I decided to do some mental reasoning, if the plane was flying and someone was emptying his bowels or urinating, it would drop on people’s heads which invariably meant the toilet couldn’t have a toilet, I made to ask the lady beside me, but thought again about the possibilities of a toilet on the plane, apart from waste dropping out on people’s heads, the smell could suffocate people. I just couldn’t hold it any longer, I began to release the urine bit by bit, good thing I was wearing a black jean, I just hoped it would dry quickly and not smell. Just as I released the last drop of urine,
      “Excuse me, I want to pee, I’ll be right back” The lady beside me said as she stood up. My jaw just dropped open, so there was a toilet, if only I had asked. When she got back, I summoned courage to ask if she could perceive anything.
      “Like what?” She asked
      “Like… I don’t know, maybe it’s my nose” I replied.
      “It’s most definitely your nose” the lady said. Okay that was settled, she couldn’t perceive anything and my jean was getting dry but it was cold. Few minutes to begin descent and I felt the plane gallop and I was a hair’s breadth away from asking the lady beside me how they repaired the roads on the air, then the plane rocked more. We got info that we had entered bad weather, this time the plane wasn’t just rocking, it was shaking and vibrating, the whole atmosphere seemed tense, everybody muttering one form of prayer or the other, even the chatterbox beside me was crying and praying, I heard her say
      “Dear Lord, I don’t want to die in a crash, please have mercy on my soul”. The moment I heard crash, I became confused and scared, in fact that was the scariest moment in my life, it got worse when I looked out the window and all I saw was darkness and a lot of lightning, I think I wet my pants again. After minutes of uncertainty we came out of the turbulence, many were still visibly shaken including I and the lady beside me.
We got to our destination, the aircraft landed, then taxied to a stop. As I stepped out of the aircraft, I didn’t even bother to look back, the fresh air was needed. And that was how my first flight went.



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