Papi In Computer Village

My crush, Adaeze had to travel, the moment she mentioned she was leaving, I felt really terrible, I had gotten used to having & seeing her around.
      "Awww, Papi my baeboo, I'll be back soon" Adaeze said.
      "Abi you'll go with her?" Tolu
      "Papi my man, hug me before I go"
In all my life, I had never received a hug that tight & warm (well, except Ekaette's) , it felt so good, I could hug her forever, her body felt so soft and ... okay that's enough, I don't want you getting the wrong ideas & painting the wrong pictures in your minds.
With Adaeze gone, I became Tolu's official handbag & bodyguard. Every outing with Tolu was always an avenue to learn something new, eat something new, visit places, meet people.
My blackberry had refused to come on and needed to be fixed, computer village was the right place to go, since I had gone with Tolu before, I decided to go on my own, but before I left, Tolu, Ekaette & even Osy tried everything to change my mind against going alone.
      "Papi, are you sure you can go alone?" Tolu asked
      "Papi, which bus you go enter?" Ekaette
      "Make una snap him pishur (picture) so if him lost, we go fit take the pishur go TV" Osy added
      "Papi, have you heard about 1 chance?" Tolu
      "Papi, abeg no go, make you no go lost" Ekaette
      "Papi..." This "Papi..." That "Papi..." There.
      "Make una no worry, I no fit lost, I don turn Lagos bobo already na" I answered.
When they saw I was adamant, they let me go after giving me directions, collecting my phone number and making sure I had all their numbers.
I stopped at my Uncle's first, since I left the yard (You may have to go back back back back to the "Yard, Yardists & Yardism" post, or back to "Papi Goes To Lagos"), I refused to go back to visit my Uncle & his fellow yardists (please don't ask me why), I don't know what was responsible for the change of heart, I visited them anyway, knowing the battalion he had, I bought stuff for the family.
      "Ol' boy, see Papi ooo" Yardist 1.
      "Papi I hear say you travel go yankee, na true?" Yardist 2.
      "Papi, you don come back, make we add your name for those wey go wash toilet & sweep yard" Yardist 3.
      "Papi see as you pure, come big, you don chop up ooo" Yardist 4
      "Papi oyoyo, papi oyoyo" Upcoming yardists
      "Papilo, you no bring kola for we elders?" Elder yardists
      "Haba Papi, you just leave us, nobody see your brakelight, wetin you bring come?" My Uncle's wife, I had every reason to believe the woman was on a mission to give birth to a football team, with substitutes.
      "Aunty, no be so" I replied
      "You sure?, wey your bag na, you no go stay with us small?" She asked. For some other persons, that question would seem harmless, but to me it sounded more like "leave heaven, come and chill with us in hell".
      "Aunty no worry, I go come back, wey Uncle?" I asked, changing the subject.
      "He don go work" she replied.
I spent a few minutes, then left the yard & its many yardists, destination: Computer Village, Ikeja.
I got to computer village, the place in four words "Hustle, Bustle, Tussle & Jostle", in one word "Crazy".
      "How far, you wan buy? You wan sell?" One hustler asked
      "Memory card here, 2gig, 4gig, 8gig, 32gig" another hustler
      "You wan repair handset or laptop?" Yet another hustler.
      "New, london used here" Hustler. The hustlers were just everywhere, even the scorching sun didn't deter them, talking about the sun, it seemed like computer village was closer to the sun than any other place I had been to or perhaps there was a different sun, 'cause the heat was just extraordinary, I needed to get away from the sun, so I walked into Slot computers to window shop, pfft! do you actually believe I went there solely to window shop? Scratch that!!!, I went to enjoy free AC, for over forty five minutes, I window shopped & fell in love with a samsung device, but it was way too expensive. When I was done window-shopping, I went to have my blackberry fixed, while the guy was fixing it, I wondered if he paid rent, because he just occupied a very small portion of a balcony. In less than 5 minutes, my phone had been fixed and was functioning well & all I saw him do was remove the battery, clean the terminals, connect it to a computer & immediately disconnect it.
      "Oga your money na 5K" the phone repairer said.
      "Wetin be 5K?" I asked
      "Five thousand naira sir"
      "For wetin? Wetin you do?" I asked
      "Haaa, virus plenty for the phone & the anti-virus wey I use dey very expensive, see I even help you change the battery something" he showed me something and immediately I wasn't sure if I had actually seen him change anything or not.
      "My guy 5K too much abeg" I said
      "I no charge you at all, the woman wey just comot from here, na 8K she pay for the same wahala, abeg talk quick, customers dey wait, oya how much you wan pay" he asked
      "Make I give you 3K" I said feeling like one top notch bargainer
      "That money too small abeg, okay, make we no drag the matter, add 500naira on top"
      "Na 200 naira I fit add ooo" I added
      "Ohhh, I no dey like this kain thing, just bring am like that" the repairer said.
And so it is that I paid three thousand two hundred naira for battery terminal cleaning (If you laugh, I'll deal with you mercilessly). I left the repairer feeling fly & proud that I had beaten the repairer's price, as I made my way through the streets of computer village, one hustler caught my attention.
      "My guy I get Samsung S5, London used, 30K, you suppose buy am" the hustler said, showing me the phone, it was the same one I had seen earlier at Slot, plus that was way cheaper than the one in Slot.
      "E dey work so?" I asked
      "See am, touch am, feel am." He answered. It was working perfectly, I fell in love with it and wanted it.
      "Okay, how much last?" I asked
      "Last? Upon say I wan dash you for 30k? You wicked ooo" the hustler replied
      "Na market we dey, talk" I said
      "Okay, how much you wan pay?" He asked
      "Make I give you 20K" I answered
      "Kai, omo, oya make we no long tory, bring am sharperly" he answered. I felt like that was the best price beating I had ever done, it was too easy.
      "Wait make I run use ATM" I said
      "Haa, guy you fit no meet me here, na movement." He replied
      "Abeg na, wait small, make I go come" I answered
      "Oya hurry, but if you tey, I fit move sha"
I hurried to the ATM, thanks to Tolu for making me start a bank account and for teaching me how to use an ATM. The machine dispensed the cash, and right in front of the ATM, I was counting the money.
      "See this guy ooo, him dey count money for front of ATM". Someone on the queue said.
      "Young man, please step aside, let someone else use the machine" another said.
      "Make una chill, I wan know if the money complete" I answered them, still standing right in front of the machine
      "And if e no complete nko?, you go complain give the machine? Abeg comot make person use something" one said.
      "Na all this village ibo boys wey no sabi anything".
Done counting, I hurriedly went back to the spot where I saw the hustler, he was still there.
      "You really mean business ooo, I pray say I go dey see your type everyday" he said
      "Wey the phone?" I asked, he gave me, I swiped here and there.
      "You see say e dey work, I no dey do wuruwuru business, because no one knows tomorrow, Oya bring am with the money, make I sharperly run package am for you inside" he said, I handed the phone to him with the money, he disappeared turned and went between two buildings, few seconds later, he was out again with the phone in its box & a receipt.
      "No on am until you don charge am for at least 6 hours, if not you go spoil the battery, and the battery cost die" he told me.
      "Okay, thank you" I said. I was really a Lagos bobo, I had killed 2 birds with one tiny stone, couldn't wait to get home and brag, I smiled as I walked out of computer village.
      "Hey you, stop there" someone said, I turned to look at who it was.
      "Me?" I asked
      "Yes You." He replied
      "I am Officer Kazeem" He said, flashing his ID card, he flashed it so fast I didn't even see anything.
      "Okay? So?" I asked
      "Can I see your ID card?" He asked
      "I don't have" I replied
      "Let me see your phone" he said, I gave him the blackberry
      "How did you get this phone? What do you do?" He asked
      "My Madam's Sister, I'm a sales rep"
      "A sales rep without an ID card? Very good" he said, I was beginning to feel confused & afraid, I had heard a lot about the Nigerian Police Force.
      "What's that in your hand?" He asked, pointing at the package in my hand
      "A phone I just bought Sir" I answered
      "Let me see it" he said, I showed him the box
      "Hmmm, A Samsung S5, you're just a sales rep and can afford this kind of big phone? Let me see the receipt" He said, I showed willingly showed him
      "Young man, tell me the truth before this becomes serious" He said.
      "What truth sir?" I asked
      "How you came about this phones" He said
      "Oga, I told you already"
      "Oh, you're raising your voice at me ehnnn, I will show you today, you'll sleep in the cell today and be transferred to kirikiri tomorrow morning" he said as he held me by my waistband
      "Oga, I have told you, I have shown you the receipt, wetin I do?" I asked, starting to feel really afraid
      "Wetin you do abi, you'll know when you get to the station" he said, as he began to drag me.
      "Oga abeg" I pleaded, he took out his phone
      "Hello, oga I don catch one thief, he's resisting arrest, I'm bringing him in now- roger" He said over the phone.
       "Ahhh, I don die, oga abeg I no be thief, make I call who give me the blackberry". I said, at the point of tears, and no one wanted to help me plead with the officer.
      "You're a thief & I will deal with you" He asnwered angrily.
      "Oga Kazeem, wetin happen" One guy asked from a shop.
      "Don't mind this rascal, he no wan cooperate, he dey shout at me, imagine, I go lock am up with the others" The Officer replied
      "Oga calm down, wetin happen? Wetin he do?" The guy asked.
      "See, this two phones, look this receipt well" the Officer answered giving him the receipt. The guy shook his head as he went through the receipt then turned the back of the receipt and shook his head even more.
      "Gobe, serious gobe" the guy said
      "You sef see am" The Officer said.
      "Oga I no be thief" I said again, with tears running down my cheeks.
      "Tell that to the DPO at the station, he's already expecting you, you heard me telling him on phone". The officer said, the other guy motioned to me to keep quiet & calm down.
      "Oga Kazeem, no do am like that" the guy said
      "No let me fight you ooo" The Officer told him
      "Oga Kazeem, Oga Kazeem, me and you na 5 & 6 nau, make we relate, settle the matter for here, see as the guy dey cry na, pity am"
      "Is he ready to cooperate?" The Officer asked him
      "Wait make I follow am word, guy come" The guy said, we went a few metres from where the officer was.
      "Guy you be small pikin? Why you dey cry like woman?"
      "I no thief anything" I said, wiping my eyes
      "I know, but you no get ID card, you carry 1 big phone and one brand new Samsung with fake receipt, na big gbege be that" He said
      "Fake receipt?" I asked.
      "Yes na, e no get address or phone number & no sign of carbon paper for the back, na why the Officer dey hold you, so wetin you go just do na to roger am" He said.
      "Roger?" I asked
      "Yes na, you be JJC? You go give am small money, like how much dey your hand?"
      "5K and my transport money dey inside" I answered.
      "Kai, that money small, where you dey live?" He asked,
      "Hmmm, from here to Oshodi, 100 naira, if you climb the bridge, you go see oshodi to obalende 80 naira or make we say 100 naira, then obalende to Ajah- make we say everything na 500 naira sha, oya bring the 5K." The guy said.
 I was too weak to argue so I gave him, he seperated the money into three, he gave me 500 naira, then put 2000 naira in one pocket and rolled 2500 in his hand.
      "No just talk anything at all, just allow me do the talking, you hear?" The Guy said
      "Yes, yes I don hear" I replied, he told someone to write a new and more authentic receipt for me, just in case another police stopped me somewhere else. We walked back to the officer
      "Oga, I don follow am talk, I don search am sef, na only this thing dey him hand" the guy said as he made to shake the officer.
      "How much dey here?" The Officer asked
      "2K5, I know say e small, but Oga Kazeem, imagine say na your brother or pikin" the guy replied
      "Hmmm, you for allow me teach am small lesson, no wahala sha, take your things and be careful, and thank this guy wey save you" The Officer said as he handed me my stuff.
      "Thank you Sir". I collected them and left hurriedly, I turned back in time to see the Officer give the guy 500 naira, the guy smiled and waved at me, I didn't return the gesture I walked faster just in case the Officer decided to change his mind.
I got home and without talking to anyone or eating, I went straight to my room, took a bath, plugged my new phone as instructed and slept till the following morning. I woke up to hear voices in my room, I opened my eyes and saw Tolu, Ekaette and Osy in my room.
      "Haaa, finally, he's awake" Tolu said
      "Guy wetin do you wey you sleep like dead person?" Osy asked.
Then I narrated my ordeal, and they were really laughing hard, I felt they were laughing at the phone repairer & the hustler, I joined them in laughing.
      "Papi, you be number 1 mumu" Osy said amidst laughter, Tolu was laughing & rolling on the floor, Ekaette was virtually laughing and crying at the same time. They explained to me how I had been swindled by the phone repairer, then I told them about the Samsung bargain & how the seller dashed me for 20K.
      "Where is the Samsung you bought?" Tolu asked, I unplugged it and showed her. After unsuccessfully trying to switch it on, Tolu opened the back, lo and behold, there was no battery, it had 2 sim compartments and it smelled of fufu. Tolu, Ekaette & Osy burst into fits of laughter.
      "Papi the Lagos bobo, the guy dashed you fufu, and you dashed him 20K, then you indirectly paid 3K for a receipt... hehehe.... for the fufu you bought." Tolu said, still rolling with laughter. Speechless was an understatement to describe how I felt, it reminded me of my first ordeal when I came to Lagos (please refer to the "Papi Goes To Lagos" post)
Perhaps if I hadn't gone to my Uncle's yard, the ill-luck of the yardists wouldn't have followed me to computer village.
If you live in Lagos, you've got to SHINE YA EYES!!!


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