Papi At The Swimming Pool.

The epistle according to Papi. I was going about my duties quietly when Lady Faka Macbeth (a.k.a. Mama Peace, a.k.a. Dame Patience Jonathan. See, if you go outside & call her names, I no dey ooo) called me 'cause she was so eager to know what went down at the pool. I wish I had recorded the phonecall though, it was hiliarous. Anyway, that isn't the issue now, the gist is more important.
Sunday afternoon, Tolu & Adaeze got bored, I was preparing to go commune with sleep when both of them came up with that "sweet" idea of going to swim, and like a bodygaurd I was dragged along. I had never been to a swimming pool, only saw it on TV. We got to the pool & Oh My God! The things I was seeing were pleasant to my eyes, mind, in fact every part of my body (well, the pancake-like upper chest regions of some ladies were an exception though), while Tolu & Adaeze went to change I just sat by the pool & fed my eyes, there were quite a lot of pretty ladies there, also there were more females than males, I could count eleven females & only three males inside the pool.
      "Hey... Hey" I turned to look at a babe gesturing at me
      "Me?" I asked, pointing to myself
      "Yes you" She answered
      "Yeah what can I do you for, sorry what can I do for you" Some guys know how the brain malfunctions when a random pretty girl talks to them.
      "Did you come alone, I mean are you with your girlfriend?" She asked
      "No I didn't come alone & No I don't have a girlfriend, why do you ask?" you people should not mention Ekaette, she was more than a girlfriend, I just didn't know the name of that zone.
      "Oh okay, can you rub my back, pleassse" she said as she handed me a container of some type of lotion, why did she ask if I had a girlfriend first?
      "With all pleasure dear" I said as I gladly poured some lotion and applied gently to her back, her skin felt so soft & silky smooth to touch, I looked around and said to myself "some babes here were finer & hotter than Ada-" I had barely completed the statement when I looked up to see Adaeze & Tolu looking hot & sexy in their bikinis, I had to withdraw the statement, I said I wasn't going to swim before, but when I saw both of them, I just squeezed the cream out on the lady's back, dropped the container & bolted to go change.
I had a shower, changed and joined them in the pool, they were playing a pool ball game, I wasn't used to it, I wasn't even used to a pool, as a village boy (If you as much as chuckle, I'll... Nevermind) I was used to streams or rivers & the only game we knew was "first to reach that side", but I adapted & was beginning to enjoy the ball game, we did that for a while, then Tolu & Adaeze the "first to reach that side" game that I was familiar with this time they added "and back" so it was "First to reach that side and back" (all that explanation when I could have just said "race" or something , english can be hard man -sighs-), Tolu beat Adaeze the first time, Adaeze returned the beating, I joined in the third round and won & then I was christened "Papi Le Fish", turned out I was the only guy there that could swim well, man did I feel so proud of myself, I think my shoulders even went up a bit with pride, suddenly every lady in the pool wanted me to teach them how to swim -JACKPOT!!!- and that was how I became their swimming instructor, I mean who goes straight to practicals without a theory -ME!!!.
       "Okay, its easy, just relax on my arms, now flap your legs up & down...." Bla bla bla, gave me the opportunity to sample different bo- nevermind (your perverted minds, I actually intended to write "bodies"), allowing the ladies cling to my back too was fun, but something phenomenal was happening to my mid region that I wasn't either aware of or paying attention to, I saw Tolu and Adaeze use the 9feet springboard to dive in & each time they dived, they would do the "tongue-out" face at me, they wanted to kill my swimming pool shine, Adaeze beckoned on me to come dive too, as I pulled myself out, lo and behold there was some sort of "stiffy" down there, quietly I lowered myself back into the pool to avoid laughable stories that touch, Tolu & Adaeze kept beckoning on me to come, if only they knew what I was going through down there, after a while, when I was certain Stiffy had gone to sleep, I pulled myself out of the pool and went to the springboard, I bypassed the platform where Tolu & Adaeze had been diving from and went to the highest board (Unnecessary Show-off abi), now take note, it is called a springboard because it is simply a board-like spring or spring-like board (you get my point), I stood up there, I could see everyone watching, I did those wrestler poses, the wonderful jobless spectators cheered ( what had wrestling got to do with diving?), my plan was to run, gather momentum, jump and dive in just like you see on TV, I ran but never had the chance to do the type of dive you only see on TV, rather I ran, slipped & bounced off the springboard in the most grotesque manner into the pool (I hadn't taken cognizance of the fact that it was a "springboard" -sigh-), I emerged to see the whole world staring and laughing at me, then I swam to the shallow end of the pool, pulled myself out of the water, heard everyone start another bout of laughter, at the same time I felt an unusual chill around my mid-region, well, I looked down to find myself in nothing but my birthday suit, I looked back and saw my shorts floating away, I knew I had worn the wrong shorts, the type that has a lace you have to tie, instead of an elastic waist band, apparently it loosened during the fall, there I was in the nude with the whole world staring, laughing, clapping & cheering, that was when I understood how man in his confused state cannot think straight, I wasn't sure whether to smile or laugh or be angry at the board or be sad or move from that spot or dive back in. Adaeze was kind enough to give me a towel while she went to retrieve my shorts, Tolu just kept on laughing.
      "Hahaha, Papi le fish, what happened?" Tolu asked
      "I don't even know, that thing has spoilt" I said, pointing to the springboard
      "Hehehe, na him make your knicker comot? Haba Papi, wait till Ekaette hears this" she said, still laughing.
They ordered barbecue for me, I sipped a mixture of Hennessy V.S. Cognac with Coke, Tolu & Adaeze went back to swim while I enjoyed myself.
      "Hi, can I have some konyak?" A lady said to me, what she was talking about, I had no idea
      "What's a kon- whatever?" I asked
      "The stuff you're drinking, its konyak right?" She replied, pointing at the Hennessy
      "Oh no, this is Hennessy V.S. Cognac" I answered, feeling like a boss.
      "Of course it is, it is konyak" She said as she poured some
      "It is not Konyak, this one is Hennessy Cognac" I argued, perhaps she had pronounciation issues.
      "Okay oo, thank you for the COGNAC" she laughed and walked away. I felt so proud of myself for correcting her, few more people came around to take from the bottle, and all of them mistook it for some supposed "Konyak", perhaps the bottles looked alike, but I kept correcting them, with each person I corrected, my ego grew bigger, then Tolu came.
      "Haaa, Papi you've almost downed a bottle of konyak" Tolu said, I almost choked on what I was sipping
      "Kon what?" I asked
      "The Konyak, hello, the bottle of Henny" She replied, pointing at the bottle
      "The Cognac?" I asked
      "Hahaha, Papi, it's pronounced Konyak"
You know how when you use a pin to puncture an inflated ballon, it bursts, that was what happened to my hennessy-induced ego at the realization that I had been fooling myself when I was supposedly correcting people that it wasn't "Konyak" -sigh-.
After an interesting time at the pool, we headed back home, Tolu & Adaeze could not stop talking & laughing with me as the subject and you can bet Ekaette was filled in and of course she laughed with tears. At least I learned some stuff that day, I learned the type of shorts not to wear to swim, I learned how not to use the springboard, I saw how bikinis exposed those with standard (more like StandHard) upper chest regions, those with slipper-like/pancake like upper chest regions, the ones whose bikinis could not contain them, I also saw how ladies with their "Olympus Has Fallen" upper chest regions snapped pictures in the pool & from up it would look like the twin towers were still standing strong, I learned that Cognac was pronounced "Konyak", learned how to mix spirits with coke & finally I learned not everyone holding cups actually buys any drink, they just collect from different tables at different intervals.
And that was how we spent our sunday, oh I did leave out the part where Adaeze and me cuddled in the pool, that was a deliberate omission, I didn't want the single ones amongst us feeling a type of way -hehehehehe-


  1. There are a lot of people who go to public pools who don’t know how to swim. They really just like dipping in to cool off, and maybe fool around with friends and family while in the water. Anyway, it looks like a grand day at the pool for you. The thing with the Cognac is hilarious! Though it happens a lot to people, especially if no one corrects you. Haha! Thanks for sharing your day at the pool with us. Have a great day!

    Bernice Cunningham @ Guardian Industries


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