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Showing posts from December, 2014

Papi & The Yardists

Three important queues in the yard, queue to fetch water, to bath and to use the toilet. I queued to fetch water, the water was for two purposes, to bath and to flush the toilet, deciding which one to do first depended on the length of the queue, I put the two buckets of water in front of our room, to take something inside, na so I waka comot for room come meet empty buckets, You don't know the meaning of mixed emotions till you're in that situation, I wasn't sure whether to shout, cry, be angry, sad or just laugh. Then I saw splashes of water on the floor, I traced the water to Oga Johnbull's "dormot", you can guess what I did, I went to get my buckets, just as I was about to turn the water, Oga Johnbull opened the door and saw me.
      "Small boy, wetin you dey do so?, so na you dey tif tif water abi, you no even fear, you wan tif my water"
My legs became like cooked spaghetti and I became a stammerer all at once
      "O-o-oga Joh-johnbull…

Papi in the yard with yardists.

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Good day yardists, to the average Nigerian there's really nothing good about the day and I'm a Nigerian, the Nigerian, in fact I am the average Nigerian. Anyway, as you all know, my name is Papi & no it's not a nickname, that's my name, see, let's not fuss over my name except say na you born me or na you name me or you dey there when them born me. In my previous epistle, I talked about the yard and it's occupants, briefly I'll talk about my Uncle, his battalion and how we all had to squeeze ourselves in just two rooms. Before I came to Lagos, each time my Uncle came to the village, he always created the impression that Lagos was like London and he bragged about his very many "properties", yes properties in quotes because the only properties I knew he owned were his "okada", a pregnant wife and eight children- you sef open mouth abi, na so ooo, now imagine all of us occupying just two rooms, na real suffer, but all of them seemed happ…

Papi ... Yard Yardist & Yardism

I cannot categorically tell you what the exact definition of yard, yardist and yardism is, it is my oga at the top @tonypox a.k.a Overlord, Voltron, Yardist, Akara Lord, Poximillus Akarahimovic ati beebee lo that will tell you that one. In my previous epistle I told you I came to stay with my supposedly rich Uncle in a supposedly big oyinbo-like city called Lagos- don't blame me, blame my naivety (this naivety has suffered, we keep blaming him/her for all our stupidity).
Where my Uncle stayed was a very big yard, the main building had ten rooms downstairs, ten upstairs, ten rooms lined the fence and five shops in front of the house, oh it was four shops and the fifth one was converted to two rooms, so in all, there were thirty two rooms and all were occupied, the whole yard had access to only three bathrooms, when you hear "bathroom", you envisage a tiled room with a tub/shower tray and faucets, biko no dey deceive ya mind, bathroom in this context refers to "baf ro…

Emily 6

I opened my eyes and just stared at the ceiling, it was morning and it felt like I barely slept, yesterday's events kept playing in my head, the shrill sound of my ringing phone interrupted my thoughts.
      "Em?"
      "Hey Josh, hi, did you get some sleep?"
      "I don't think I did, what 'bout you?"
      "I could barely sleep"
      "Sorry Em, I'm at the hospital, something came up, can you make it down here?"
      "What happened? is Ron okay?"
      "I'm afraid he isn't"
      "oh my God, I'll be there shortly" I replied, what could have gone wrong? the doctor said he was responding well to treatment, were there complications? Too many questions.
As I stepped out of the house, there was the last person I wanted to see- "Blaze", if he was hoping to get an apology for yesterday, he sure as hell wasn't getting any, no, not from me.
      "Emily"
    …

Emily 5

Tears welled up in my eyes as I made my way to the hospital, why was he shot? who shot him? what was the motive for the shooting? will he survive? the questions kept pouring in, the painful thing was I couldn't answer them myself
I got to the hospital reception, and that familiar hospital smell I dreaded hit me.
      "Hello... a guy was- there was a shooting, I don't know, brought in here some moments ago, tall well built..." I rattled off to the receptionist, I could barely comprehend what I was saying
      "Breathe dear, Breathe... that's it, very good, now speak gently" the elderly receptionist calmed me down with a warm smile
      "Okay, my friend was shot some minutes ago, and was brought here" I replied, calmer than before
      "His name please?" She asked me
      "Ron, his name is Ron"
      "Ron, Ron" the receptionist muttered as she checked her directory
      "yes.. Ron"
      "Okay, …

Emily 4

“Ron, I know I’m very curious and all, but it’s very understandable if you don’t want to talk about it” I assured him
      “Emily, I’m fine, it’s okay, I can talk about it”
      “Alright then, out with it”
      “Blaze is a murderer”
      “WHAT!?” I asked with a look of bewilderment
      “Yeah, he’s a murderer”
Okay I don’t think I was expecting that, yes Blaze was capable of doing a lot of things, but murder- no, I never envisaged that.
      “If he’s a murderer, why isn’t he behind bars?” I asked
      “It’s a long sad story dear, you may want to make some tea while we talk”
      “Go on”
      “Blaze and Me were leaders of rival dance groups”
      “Dance group?” I asked, I never knew Blaze was a dancer, yes he had the build, but he never struck me as a dancer, guess there are a whole lot of things I don’t know about Blaze.
      “Yes dear, dance group, oh, you didn’t know?, we started off as dancers before singing, Blaze saw my crew as rivals and he never hid the f…